Emotional retard, yes, emotional wreck, quite possibly. So I take it crashing through the window with a black balaclava and box of milk tray is out of the question?

It is important that they feel you are not a hassle and that when they speak to you they will be able to speak their mind and be honest and that you will listen to them. Chill out, have fun, and enjoy her company.

But I am a total hassle, and so is she. But what if shes talking crap? Do I still have to listen?

Don't dive in there like there's no tomorrow. You are not a hysterical version of the Tazmanian devil. Do things by halves. When she tells you to shut up, shut up. You obviously talk so much she can't get a word in edge ways and even though she loves talking with you, she often wonders if you would realise if she hung up.

Fuck that. Life is short. And I don't talk that much. She just doesn't talk as much as me. Feel free to interrupt me whenever as that whole 2-way thing is what conversation is about. Kiss my ass. I'm interesting.

Throughout this guide, we will be scoring each piece of behaviour with EmmaLouisa points, abbreviated to ELP.

Fair enough. People do things other than MySpace and MSN?

Ive thought about it, and yes there bloody well is a chance. It would be tricky, but it could work, because Id travel any distance I had to, as often as I had to. Friends sucks, and so does being sensible. I'll die of old age before any of it is the right situation. She better hurry up and get her ass moving or Ill fucking buy the house next door and see is she thinks it cant work then.

Err, no. Shes fucking amazing so I'll damn well tell her shes beautiful as much as I like. And Ill tell her about all the other wonderful things about her, and everyone I know. I want the world to know how incredible she is and what I feel about her.

I am prick. It comes so naturally to me. If this is true, why is it almost every girl loves a bastard eh?

The world is always screaming I told you so at me, and god my imagination is much, much wider than a blog, which shell find out. Plus, its fun. Kiss my ass.

And a fucking expensive one, so knickers off biatch. J I if had my way, shed get a bunch a day for 5 years. Or until she pissed me off.

No shit. Or shes being a pain in the ass and ignoring me. Next time it'll be a dirty one instead. She doesn't need to excuse herself either as I know shes busy. Btw she can text me as much as she wants, as Ill never get irritated by seeing her name in my mobile inbox. 1000, 2000, its cool. It cheers up my day.

Unless shes been a dick, in which case she will get the silent treatment. I'm busy, woman. I don't have time for everyone, so I have to prioritise. Everyone I dont speak to is an open loop that draws my attention away from what I'm supposed to be doing. A clearout is good anyway. All I want to know is.whether she wants to be a part of my real life or just a bit of text on my PC. I want her to be in my real life, even if shes fat and annoying.

They cant be as important as me, and if they are, they shouldn't be. Im far more interesting. And she always screams obscenities; it doesn't have to be because Ive been a dick, although that helps. And I do want her constant attention even though I know I cant have it. If I did have it, it'd probably annoy me anyway. Just shut up and kiss me. Tell her you don't like her Don't make her think you don't like her. What a stupid thing to do! Don't tell her suddenly that all this has been a huge con and you are actually like it with every woman you meet. This will make her feel like she is easily replaced in your life, and she will start to doubt all the things she first thought about you. You will be seen as a player. Little boys may like this title, but grown men, no. She will be angry at you, and slightly confused, but remember she will see straight through your act, and walk away. Simply cause she thinks your being a "cold hearted bastard".

I do like her. A lot. As much as she likes me, even though she probably thinks she likes me more than I like her. I assure you I like her as much, if not more. And shes not easily replaced. Shes one in a million and so precious to me, but its hard to express that without looking like a div. I am a flirtatious bastard though, and she better get used to that. Don't doubt, even if I have a fuckhead. You'll need to be a strong woman to deal with me. But behind every great man is an even greater woman as they say. Visit her randomly and set up opportunities to meet Arrange to meet up with her. Don't just randomly visit, this will make her feel uncomfortable and you will feel foolish when you realise that she wasn't lying when she said she really does have plans, and no she can't meet you. Also, listen to her when arranging dates. You really don't want to get those dates wrong do you.

And she better relearn that calendar scheduling skill too, being a woman. All she has to do is say the word, and all the details will be taken care of. Ill go anywhere, anytime, as many times as she needs me to, and she needs to stop being a pussy and go for it without worrying about the tricky bits. Pick a castle and Ill deal with it.

Hehe come here xxx

My friends are going to nag anyway, as their favourite pastime is taking the piss out of me and revelling in my amusing adventures. They know Ill never listen. So fuck them.

NOW NOW NOW NOW and so on, with the occasional blinding stars she fills your screen with when you don't listen to her. Monkey see, monkey do.

Chill out? Thats not going to happen. Its never, ever alright to nag, ever. Ask any man. Nagging is a womans prerogative and nothing we do will ever change that. And I shall persist unless you succeed in obtaining the restraining order. Public humiliation is good for the soul. Kiss my ass.

Ok I can do compromise, so Ill shut up in return for a very long kiss. But I am a highly strung idiot so it will be tricky and Ill always want more. Its an occupational hazard because she raises my blood pressure. I will take sedatives.

Why not? They do it every day in the horoscopes section of the newspaper. How else do people organise things in their head? Shes right in the fucking middle because I want her to be more but she cant be for whatever reason. How about you just kiss me and shut me up about it?

Of course Ill fucking ignore it, im a chap, and an arrogant one at that. And yes she is my friend, and Id do anything for her, bar really disgusting things which might come into her little head.

I am happy, sort of. Shes changed a lot in me without doing anything at all. Id be happier if she were right here, right now though. And I want to make her happy, even if Im doing a cracking job at the opposite. Shes already an angry evil woman, so I'm just focusing that rage for her so she can get it out. Shes so sexy when shes angry. And she likes fighting me anyway. Kiss my ass.

Private? Balls. Carry on the friendship my ass. I fucking fancy you dumbass. Id buy the fucking planet if it meant I could see her more. I couldnt give a toss about distance, Ill find a way if it need to invade every country on earth to do it.

And by now she should be lying next to me and looking me in the eyes in a warm and fuzzy haze. 99% of men cant be arsed to go through all that crap anyway. I will, because I think shes extremely special. Not just to me, but to everyone. Anything eh? How about kiss me?

I thought it was about time I started addressing the complaints and rebalanced the love index with the other amazing people in my life. Some I know simply because of MySpace, some I already know in real life. I know it's been a long time coming (and late), but hey, at least I did it. With my schedule, that's a small victory in itself.

I always try to retain a small inner circle, and these people are genuinely special to me. I don't get on with everyone (like my sis says I'm a Marmite love/hate kind of person), but those that I do, I love with all my heart like family.

Honorary mentions go to Chorly, Bex, Cody, MJ and Chanty. Your blog entries are on the way I promise. Only so much I can write in one sitting without passing out.

Emma
Our very own High Street Honey. I fancy this girl so much it's quite worrying. Em is fucking hot. Not just slightly attractive, she's fucking unbelievable. If looks could kill, this woman would be incarcerated for life to safeguard the rest of the population. Size 10 with DD boobs, beautiful dark features and an intense sexiness that so rare the only thing that stops it overwhelming you is her gentle disposition. Naturally I'm not alone, but I like to think Licious and I have another thing going, primarily consisting of me calling her a fat lesbian and/or northern bastard who lives in a place that has 'cunt¨ in its name. She humours me of course, which is part of her earthy charm.

But looks are only skin deep, and as most people know I don't judge on that as beauty is temporary, and as it happens, bit like flowers. Flowers are everywhere, but just because they're there doesn't mean they smell nice, offer great conversation or make you want to take them out to dinner. Licious always looks for something that stands out in someone, whether it is eyes, teeth, figure or another characteristic (they have to be older too). Apparently I stand out most in all the guys she knows, but god knows why. Presumably it must be my ass because as well all know tool well, my personality sucks. Who cares anyway, as a girl that hot thinking I'm cool is enough to leave me gazing for long enough not to concern myself with the details.

The first thing you notice about Em is that she's very, very coy. There's also so much potential wrapped in her that it's literally bursting out from the seams. And she's slowly waking up to it, although she's not cynical and won't listen to me when I tell her to exploit it for her own gain. It's silly to go into how classically beautiful she is, but you only need to look at a picture to see why she should be on the front cover of a glossy magazine rather than dealing with the horrors of Joe Public every day. A woman that stunning needs to be studied in detail through generations, like a wondrous work of art.

Apparently she's seen as unapproachable. If only those people knew if she is as soft as it gets on the inside despite the hell she's been through, even if she does just brush it off like it's just a difficult Monday morning. But that's her to a tee. A survivor who's fiercely independent, confident in who she is as a person and deeply bonded to those around her that support her. She holds her cards to her chest as privacy is paramount, but when it matters she lays it on the line.

If you had to pack a (pink) rucksack for her you'd need: lasagne, teabags, B&H cigarettes, a selection of ambient easy listening tunes on an iPod (inc. Lee Evans comedy recordings), a web design book, pics of her mum, grandparents and dog, a Mercedes key ring, J20 and kinky boots. Any more than that and you'll need a bigger rucksack!

Em also has a razor sharp sense of humour that you can't miss, although it verges on the bizarre and surreal from time to time. It takes a while to come out as she's shy, but if you catch her in the right mood when she's on form, she's devastatingly witty and utterly charming. A lot of her cynicism comes from her frustration at her job and wanting more from life. She often feels powerless to change everything and gets really scared at the little things that she builds up in big problems in her head. Seeing and hearing her spirits rise as she gets excited is a true joy as you can't help get excited with her, and for her.

She's also a person with profound integrity, one who has her principles that are not flexible or ready for compromise. The amazing bit is that she balances them with a remarkable open-mindedness that gives her a grounded perspective which mixes so well with her imagination. She'll tell you that what she's got through in life is nothing and has to be dealt with, but you'll soon figure out that its classic Licious understatement. Life's hardened her and made her wily, but she adaptable and retains her natural tenderness that you can't help but enjoy. She's just cool as fuck.

You can't help feeling of protective of her in the same way she's quietly but firmly protective of those she loves. How two people interact and react to each other is always different, but with Em I always find myself wanting to give her a huge hug, kiss her on the forehead and sweeping the hair from her eyes. Naturally I'm a perv too, so those types of feelings get interrupted by thoughts of her kinky boots and that body of hers. If you had to sum her up quickly, you could start by saying that she ends everything she writes with a kiss (an x), which says a lot about how she approaches things. With care, maturity and with love.

We need to check, but we reckon we've spoken every day without fail since we met. I'm no fan of small talk, but Em is one person I really can talk about the full range of subjects with, be it as small as the weather or as big as the state of the world. Lucky for me that the things she appreciates the most are the small gestures. And the best thing is she's coming to London, so she'll be a new friend that's nearby that I can share some of the world with. We're doing a test day soon when we picnic in the park, point at animals in London zoo and dress up for the opera in the evening. It's not going to be dull.

Beth
My Jewish first lady, my queen. There might be many foolish amongst us who would pass by Beth without a second look, but if they did, they'd soon realise their mistake when they noticed her extraordinary beauty. She's just so incredibly pretty. Her eyes sparkle, her cheeks glow red in the sweetest way, and her smile can melt anyone without even when it's hiding after a difficult day.

Beth's very special to me. When I see her she's so excited to see me, even if it is only to pester her for 5 mins in John Lewis when's she's there on a Thursday. Endlessly patient with my madness each and every time I let her down, forgiving of all my many, many faults, understanding and open-minded to a level few ever achieve in the same 30 years (which allows her to get on with all types of people from all types of places), and her warmth and kindness overwhelm and envelope anyone who is fortunate enough to be able spend a few moments in her company.

She's a master of her art that doesn't always fully appreciate just how talented and qualified she is, because with the right support she could be its greater professor. Her nature is so calm, tolerant and wise that you can't help but be swayed by her. She's also streetwise, trendy and straight up cool as fuck too. I know I could tell her anything and she would listen. She wouldn't judge me, laugh at me or misunderstand. I could confess my sins and be me, knowing all she will do is smile and give me a smile and hug in response.

And no, I haven't forgotten our weekend away as it happens because someone was supposed to get back to me with dates when she is free now wasn't she?

Melanie
My god, Melanie. Where do I start. There's only one word that comes to mind: insatiable. Seriously. I've never known a girl to be so extraordinarily hungry, for all things in life, not just the obvious. She's the kind of lady who is every man's fantasy. Wherever there is a kinky daydream, in a dark secluded corner you will find Melanie in stockings with a definite ¡§come hither¡¨ look tempting you to walk over the precipice.

I fear being within a mile of her as the chances are that I wouldn't make it home alive unless there was medical assistance en route. Sophisticated on the ballroom dance floor at Cannes, but a whore in the bedroom. Deadly in passion and intense in her desires, she'd make the most alluring of mistresses and a beautifully elegant wife in equal measure.

She's also utterly eccentric, which is hilarious as she knows it and plays up to it at the slightest opportunity. Unashamedly a posh bitch, she drives her car like she's in a decade-long banger race at speeds that would defy even the hardest boy racer. Her boyfriend is apparently thick and illiterate, but she doesn't care as she gets to touch him like a D&G handbag. If only the rest of us were so lucky. Punching him in the face might have been a bit far though, even if he did forgive her for it.

But behind all the veneer is someone deeply sensitive and passionate. For all the play and pomp, she's actually a very simple human being who wants the small things in life and is ruled by her very large heart, the one that gets stomped on relentlessly. All the complexity and drama is a smokescreen that clouds the fact that she is loyal, scarred and honest to both herself and the people she cares about.

If I disappear suddenly this summer, start the search at the Windsor races. She's coming down from that northern shitehole to the civilised world and I am required to be on site for her personal amusement. Check the nearest hospital A&E or ICU for people recently admitted with severe sexually-related injuries. Failing that, the chances are that I haven't survived, and someone will need to make the arrangements.

Sarah
This lady is something else. She's achieved more than most of us by surviving a relationship that went dreadfully wrong and brought up two amazing kids from the wreckage. And she's so incredibly positive and happy even at the hardest of times. Being a mum is something that happens to people at different stages of our lives according to their temperament and plans, and it's a damn sight more difficult than any of us realise. To do what she has done, you need to be something very special indeed.

She's a dedicated and committed person who has earnt her wisdom from a combination of the knocks the world has given her and a natural predilection as an old soul. She's magnanimous and dignified, but very human too, which is a blessing for all of us. Honesty comes so easily to her, but it's tempered with diplomacy and sensitivity. I can proudly say that even a smartass such as myself has had a lot to learn from who she is and where she's been. That's something I deeply value, as I need a voice of reason more often than I care to admit.

It's fascinating to meet people who have started their own journeys into understanding themselves and being more self-aware. Sarah's peace comes from acceptance, something she's shared with me and a subject I am pathetically weak on. Her quiet self-belief and gentle nature makes it clear early on that she's someone you can trust and talk to if and when you need to.

If only more people were so wise, reflective and unassuming. Great combination when the wearer of that skin is a sexy little fox too. One day when I'm in that corner of the world I'll pop in and make us both a decaf cappuccino.

Joey
My sister and my sage. I know I'm supposed to rip the piss out of her and call her names, but it's getting more and more difficult each day as I'm so proud of who she is, what she's overcome and the woman she's becoming. I've known her for 27 years so far, and she never fails to amaze me. No matter how old she is, she will always be my retarded little sis.

A distinctive feature of Jose's is that she has extraordinary intuition that she gets from her mum. Extraordinary in the sense that it's never wrong, ever. It's spookily accurate time after time, about both people and places. I've lost count of the times I've laughed off her feelings about the people in my life and they've turned out to be right years later. She just has a supernatural sense when judging people, one she plays down all the time. The fascinating part is that she does it in seconds of meeting people, when she knows little about them. That's indicative of her wisdom that defies her earthly years.

The hilariously ironic thing about that intuition is that for some reason it seems utterly blind when it comes to the people in her own life. Some of the morons that have won her affections over the years have been frighteningly horrid, not least the last, who nearly killed her in more ways than one. Now it's a case of finding someone right who will help her move past all the mountains of baggage the men in her life have left. She gets so confused and is terrified of arguments or conflict, so don't ever expect a straight yes or no to even the simplest of questions.

Jose has survived years of hell that would break so many other people, and she's done it with dignity, elegance and restraint that you quickly notice as a rare purity. She can still replay my screaming in her head and feel the pain distribution centre that we called home for many years. It's given her an intensity that few can understand or match, as she's always fighting herself to be perfect and damning herself when's she human. You can even see it in the way she looks as the effect she solicits from people around her is often very dramatic indeed.

Her abnormally high pain threshold means that she keeps quiet and suffers in silence. Even when she gave birth her makeup stayed on perfectly and she hardly made a sound. Sometimes she appears cold and ruthless (the Ireland ¡§family stare¡¨) but really underneath she's just unsure of herself or her surroundings. You'll never know she's suffering because she won't want you to know. The games she plays get her caught up in other people's games like an expanding maze she can't outrun.

You can't deny that she's incredibly talented at so many things. She is simply an incredible mum. I had no idea what she would be like, but she's astounded everyone. Everything she does when it comes to Zair is guided by absolute love and his best interests. She's terrified of passing on the frailties we have inherited from previous generations onto him, and has an incredible patient affection for him in all ways, even when he is having yet another temper tantrum because the drum kit has been put away to stop him giving the neighbours a heart attack. In return he has given her purpose, unconditional love and something to relieve her chronic boredom.

When you spend time with Jose, you'll hear the cheeky cackle she's infamous for and understand where her son gets his mischievous side from. When her smile shows itself, it's the most infectious thing in the world.

Caroline
My newest edition. A supreme fox. Damn this woman is confident. If you put a brick wall in front of her she'd knock it down with a breath and walk on through like it was never there in the first place. Oh and she has those eyebrows I love so much, as well as an intense drive that's only succeeded by Melanie. This girl knows what she wants and I would bet everything I own that she will get it, whilst we all sit around wondering what the hell just happened. And it's all hidden so well with a very cheeky grin.

She doesn't seem like the typical PR fluffy either, despite her professional image. But like Emma, the web is her playground and we'll all be hearing a lot more from her on that front soon as her ambition will crash through windows rather than appear with a squeak. I'd hire her in a second as she's damned ruthless and utterly determined, but she also has the elegance of a ballet dancer which makes her more disarming. Enthusiasm like hers makes a lot of money and does amazing things.

But she has a very dark, Machiavellian streak that is so appealing to people like me. A willingness to get the job done despite the cost. I want to run away with her, as she's as corrupting as the people she wants in her life. Right now niceness isn't her scene, and she wants bad, bad and naughty company. I have a very dark side that hears that call and seeks out fresh blood when it's woken, and she's an alarm clock for shadowy parts of my world. One of us will consume the other, like the way a Praying Mantis eats its mate. Whatever happens, the secrecy that will envelope us will ensure no-one ever knows.

Suzanne
Suz is about as lovely as it gets. Unaffected, principled and affectionate, she's a wonderful character in her own right that gets a very small percentage of the recognition she deserves. She wants to clone me, which is bizarrely romantic actually, if it weren't for the terrible ethical problems and potential results from such an awful experiment. Whatever she wanted I would probably give her, just for being so fantastic.

One of the most amusing parts of Suz's eccentricity is her portfolio of tricks for avoiding day to day work in the office. She is utterly bored senseless in the 9 to 5 humdrum, and I don't blame her. That boredom has helped her create a myriad of ways to give the appearance when she's working but actually allow her to do nothing but email her friends all day. That kind of innovation deserves an award of some kind, as well as a medal for bravery for posting emails with 'booorrrrreeed¨ deliberately through her work email account. Subtle defiance and subversion is an alluring precursor to what is a clearly a more fiery soul underneath.

But don't be fooled into thinking Suz is just a simple office worker, as underneath that gentle exterior is an amazingly talented artist that's been hidden for far too long. A wolf in sheep's clothing perhaps you might say. It could almost be said that she lives a double life, complete with Mac, a library of illustrations and a creative urge that leaks into everything she is and does. As with all artists, she is blessed with sensitivity, warm and empathy that mean she could have anything she wanted, but chooses to take only those that are meaningful.

Spirit Of Truth
This man is a genius and internet phenomenon. If you haven't watched both episodes, do it now. Right now. It was a live broadcast on US public TV service that has been resurrected from its dusty cupboard home for all of us to enjoy. This is proper television, not the packaged junk food reality rubbish we have to put up with. He'd get me (and anyone else) to church any day. Imagine a never-ending rant of ¡§I don't give a fuck what you think bitch! cut that bitch off!¨ and being called a 'fucking nincum-fucking-poop¨. It's also quite tragic, as he died several years ago. But he has left a legacy that puts a smile on so many people's faces without knowing it.